James Marshall

The British are good at, and famous for, a great many things.  Over the centuries we’ve established ourselves as world leaders in politics, education, tea-drinking, football hooliganism, and Euro-scepticism; however, the one thing we are the very best at – untouchable by any other nation on the planet – is queuing.

Yes, that most frustrating, argument-fuelling, soul-destroying, yet quintessentially British practise of forming a line up to a point of interest is something we’ve carefully crafted into both a hobby, and a sport; why it isn’t in the Olympics is a mystery.

Where are you going with this, James? I hear you ask… Stick with me.

I am, I’m ashamed to admit, a regular customer of McDonalds; at peak time this particular branch is flooded by literally tens of people, and so they decide to implement queue management.  This term is not welcome amongst veteran queuers. 

Note: All British people are, by default, veteran queuers on turning 18.

Imagine, if you will, the scene as I walk in: in front of me are around 10 tills; only 3 of which are open.  The tills are staffed by two people; one taking orders, the other preparing them.  Up to, around, and stretching back from, these tills are rapidly growing lines of people.  Which line do I choose?  Using my finely tuned queue-sense I scan from end to end and pick (mentally) where I’m going to go.  Like a careful queuer I pause for a second to make sure that my chosen queue really is the fastest one before…. wait… what… what’s this? A member of staff (not British, and therefore not a veteran queuer) directs me to a queue – the worst queue!

This, dear reader, is enough to light the fuse to a very, very explosive rage fit. “Excuse me! I am British, and do not need you to tell me how and where to queue!” I think to myself in my best stiff-upper-lip-wartime accent.  Alas, she is still stood there violently gesticulating towards the ‘reject’ queue.  I have no choice but to obey like some condemned citizen destined for a 10 minute wait for my ‘fast food’.

The point of this article? Companies who have high-turnovers, and large walk-ins need to carefully consider their methods of managing queues.  My experience is that while most people are savvy and will instinctively know which queue to choose, there are those who are like sheep or lemmings and will go and stand where there are people (presumably to feel loved); but this does not mean that every customer is sans-intelligence.

Either have a first-in-first-out queue snake that equally discriminates between customers and gives everyone the same(ish) wait time, or let the queue evolve organically.  The very worst thing you can do is tell someone, who has already made their mind up about how they’re going to play this round of ‘queue roulette’, where to stand.

Why don’t I complain?  Well, that too is because I am British… mustn’t grumble!